Social relationships & community belonging are major contributors to your well-being.
I’ve personally experienced a gruelling transitional period of being alone & I’m glad I made it out the other side.
So I’ve compiled a list of what helped me overcome that & I hope it serves as a foundation if you find yourself in a similar situation.
The importance of understanding who you are & what you want.
First you need to do some inner work. This is the most important part, without it all of your other efforts will miss, if not be futile.
Take a few days to analyse yourself & create a list of what interests you in life. Do you like rollerblading? Cooking? Writing? Dancing? Psychology? Music? Whatever it is, write it down.
Next, cross out the ones you’re least interested in and keep 1-3 at most. You don’t want to spread yourself thin by trying to be good at everything and ending up achieving nothing. It’s better to channel your energy & focus on 1-3 things at a time.
Being good at something and having some authority naturally makes you a more interesting person, especially to those with similar interests.
Letting go of harmful notions.
Having a healthy social life is not just about making friends, sometimes the most difficult part is maintaining them.
There are a number of self destructive notions that contribute to losing friends & a difficulty in making new ones:
- Expecting all of your friends to be close to you the same way.
This is particularly harmful as it breeds disappointment, which ultimately is not their fault. When you treat everyone as if they’re closer to you than they actually are, once they fail to reciprocate or act in a certain way, you will be disappointed, & over time this may lead to resentment.
It’s better to acknowledge that each friend serves a different purpose in your life, & you have to treat them accordingly. Some will naturally be closer to you than others, & that’s normal. Don’t fight it.
2. Not being initiative enough.
Yes, initiative goes both ways. But if each of you is waiting for the other to initiate, then no one will.
Humans generally like to reciprocate, especially when they care about a person. So the more initiative you are (within reason, don’t initiate every single day), the more people will initiate back. Those who don’t may be too busy, or simply not as interested as you are. Again, that’s okay. Don’t fight it.
3. Having to play mind games.
The cycle of mind games is the most unhealthy and banal cycle. With the popularisation of books like “48 Laws Of Power”, a lot of folks assume that they must learn manipulation to protect themselves.
Sure, there are manipulative individuals who are harmful to you, but living life with the mindset that everybody is out there to get you is more self destructive than it is protective.
You will inadvertently push genuine people away when you’re always in defence mode.
It’s also important to remember that most manipulation is a defence mechanism. People use manipulation because that’s how they’ve learned to ask for what they need. They weren’t taught healthy communication skills. You should aim to break this cycle.
4. Assuming that you are the centre of the universe.
This is a hard truth, but you need it. I know I did.
In our minds we are the main characters of our story. But guess what? So is everyone else. No one is paying attention to your life as much as you think they are. Most people are too busy worrying about their problems to remember yours.
Knowing this, you can take more risks, embrace your flaws, and put yourself out there more.
7 Important social skills to practice & remember
- Active listening. Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand.
- Avoid interrupting & talking over people. This signals that you don’t care about what they’re saying, even if that’s not your intent. Practice holding on to your thoughts until they’re finished talking.
- Maintain a healthy amount of eye contact. The general rule of thumb is to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while you’re talking, and 70% while you’re listening. This way you don’t come off as uninterested or unconfident.
- Speak calmly and clearly. If you tend to ramble with your close friends, that’s fine, but with newer friends or colleagues it’s better to be clear and concise until you’ve developed a stronger connection. Loudness is also unnecessary, a calm and gentle demeanour gives a more confident and attractive vibe.
- Communicate. This is a big one, and it follows the previous point. Learning to communicate your thoughts and feelings calmly and clearly will prevent any misunderstandings from brewing.
- Be more empathetic. Understand that everyone is struggling in one way or another. Some of the worst friends I’ve had were self centred and apathetic. They didn’t have many friends and until now they don’t. Empathetic people generally have stronger social relationships.
- Be positive. No one likes a chronic complainer as it often kills the mood. Try to bring more positivity into people’s lives and differentiate between venting and complaining. One is necessary in healthy amounts, the other is not.
Final thoughts:
Aside from practicing your social skills, learning your interests and developing a healthy mindset, it goes without saying that the way you dress and carry yourself plays an important role in your relationships.
Not everyone likes to admit it, but appearances matter. Especially for first impressions. We’re visual creatures; the cleaner & more well put-together you look, the more people will be inclined to engage with you.
